Pulling Over.

Seems like you blink and I swear six months have gone by. You get so busy with life, you just quit living. I wake up, handle business and go to bed. Everyday is a battle and I’m fighting it the best way I know how. I’ve been there before. Fighting, struggling, surviving, but at what point do you say I’m done surviving? I just want to overcome these battles. I want to live. That’s where I am. Trying to learn to live again. I’ve found my way back to church, and I’m trying to put my best foot forward, but I feel like a toddler learning to walk with spaghetti legs. Everyday I wake up with the best of intentions but seem to find myself back at square one. I guess I’m learning that it’s ok to stumble or fall, it’s ok to make a mistake. Learn from it, find the trigger, and push harder. Push until you can’t push anymore and when you find yourself there, on your knees, with no other options, pray. Pray like it’s the last time you’ll have the chance, pray like your life depends on it. Then, you wait. That’s where I am. I am waiting. I am waiting for God to move. I am listening for his word. I need him to move, and I need to hear him.

The hardest thing in this world is to “give it to God”. How many times have you given it to God and picked it right back up? I do it daily. Not anymore, bills, kids, marriage, God is getting in the driver seat and I’m taking his path. The road I’ve been on has been hard, and painful, and I’ve only given him control when I’ve been too tired to keep driving. One thing I can’t stand is a back seat driver, and here I am being one. Not anymore. Today I have pulled over, given God the keys and accepted that I can’t make this trip without him. I don’t want to take this trip without him. Some days will be harder, and some will be glorious, I’ll have to take them as they come. I encourage anyone reading this to take the same leap of faith. Get in the passenger seat and enjoy the view.

Hug your momma.

On this day 3 years ago, I hugged my momma. I hugged her and told her I loved her while she was staring into my eyes. Something I should not have been able to do. When the doctors where loosing faith God showed up. He saved her. After 10 longs days my mother was awake and responsive. She looked dead in my eyes and said “I love you”. Just hours before, I was crying and begging her to come back to me. Praying with every fiber in my being that she would live. People, regardless of circumstance, love your parents. You may never agree with their choices or their lifestyle. You may think you always have the answers. You may genuinely believe they don’t deserve your time but they are the reason you are alive and reading this right now. Hug your momma. Hold her. Smell her hair, kiss her cheek, and love her. You never know when that opportunity will be gone. You don’t have to like them but you need to love them. I am so grateful for the past 3 years. It hasn’t been easy but she was and is a fighter. Against all odds, she made it. I believe without a shadow of doubt she heard me and she knew we still needed her here. Not many people know the whole story, but I kept telling her nothing was stronger than the love between a mother and daughter. Somewhere, in there was my mother and I wasn’t going home without her. Time has passed but I can tell you this,  everytime I pass that hospital, and everytime I see my mother I live it all over again. It hasn’t gotten easier but it keeps me humble. If you’re reading this, hug your momma.

ARDS- Know the signs. Get informed.
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Time Hopping….Updates.

Seeing his small face and sweet smile is like taking a sledge hammer to the walls I’ve built. I have learned not to get your hopes up. To be optimistic. To pray. To believe. To never give up. To hold on and to stay strong, but never make an assumption. Life changes so quickly.

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People say all the time “I don’t know how you do it”. Truth is, I don’t have a choice. This is life for me. For us. Waking up, packing up, loading up, and driving. Only to wait and hope that they may know something new. It has become the norm in my life. Not easy, just normal. Chance was very young when he got his diagnosis. Things have just kept moving after that. Not to say life hasn’t been amazing but it just kept going. Life has a way of doing that. You wake up one day and it’s been four years. Familiar with the app “time hop”? Me too. Just this morning a picture from three years ago came up and it was of Chance. Small, still had baby fat on his cheeks, eating a donut in the hotel room the night before a surgery. It’s weird how that happens. Seeing something and going back in time. I remember each doctors appointment. Each visit, and every surgery. I try to push certain things into the back of my mind. Not as though they haven’t happened, but to make it less heart breaking. With each trip, and each surgery he becomes more agitated, more upset. It gets harder.

 

We are looking at number 15 in the very near future. It was supposed to be on the 29th of December, but it has been postponed until they get the new machines in. To give an update of all recent events, we’ve ran into some other seemingly “small” issues. After several kids in his class came down with the flu, the instant he ran a fever went to the local ER. No flu, no strep, everything was normal. A chest x-ray showed us a small lesion in his lung. Of course the first question was “how did this happen?” followed by “what do we do now?”. The answer was simple, find another doctor to answer them and so, we where on the road again. This time we found ourselves in Pensacola at the Numours Childrens Hospital.

 

 

 

Hands down, the most family oriented hospital I’ve ever been too. We felt safe and comfortable the moment we opened the car door. After meeting the doctor and running several tests, we where told that the “lesion” is easier explained as a hole. We where home bound. Happy, and hopeful that two weeks of medicine and a follow up would show that it is gone or at least shrinking. Fast forward, that’s been a month ago. Just got the call yesterday that it (the hole) is still there. I’m unaware of any details other than “it is still there”. They’ve asked that we come back. I’ll be leaving Sunday afternoon to make the drive back out. Obviously, I’m unsure of where that leaves us.

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Once these new findings are discussed we are still looking at the surgery for the 13th of January. In some way I feel like we’ve made no progress, other times I feel like we’re making leaps and bounds. There are so many new findings in the medical world every day. They have come up with a new treatment option and seem optimistic and genuinely hopeful that this will make a difference. Still no word on a “CURE” but hey, progress is progress. I appreciate all of the love, support, and prayers that have been sent up for Chance, and for us as a family. I ask you to continue your thoughts and prayers as we move forward in our journey.

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Pedestals and Potholes.

Just remember, the higher you put yourself up on that pedestal, the farther you will fall. Everyone sins, and everyone sins differently. Right is right and wrong is wrong. I hope that if I ever find myself in the spotlight for something I wouldn’t be proud of, people give me just a sliver of respect. When you live in a small town like ours, family, friends, and children see the things we share and hear the things we say. Everyone has a closet and some have more skeletons than others, but they still have a way of coming out. Be kind and courteous because we’ve all done things we wouldn’t want others sharing about us. I say “we all” because I include myself in that statement. You don’t have to agree or support the things others have done, but degrading and laughing while their down makes you no better. Families and children will suffer. Just think about it. Or are you a rare breed of perfect?

Marriage over Media (part 2)

It is not your job to speak for your spouse.

I read posts and statuses daily from others declaring the love of their significant other. Demanding attention and agreement from peers. While social media has given us so many things, it has taken away just as much. We have found ourselves living in a world where woman and men alike constantly defend their relationships and whether it’s genuine or not on Facebook. If you are constantly defending your spouse or proclaiming his love for you, you are not the problem. You are only half the problem. You should never defend his love for you. You should never have to convince another person, especially another woman of your mans love for you. That’s his job. If he can’t profess his love for you on his own, you don’t need him.

Social media has taken things that should be done behind closed doors, in the privacy of your home and your heart and put it out for the world to see. We have got to stop looking for instant gratification online and take it back where it belongs. Nine times out of ten, others are not sharing in your heartaches anyway. They are laughing at it. It’s a sad truth. We have become so accustomed to sharing all of our thoughts with our “followers” that we’ve begun giving away pieces of ourselves and our marriages.  Something’s just aren’t meant for the world. They are meant for two people. You don’t hide love, you can’t. For it is something that is seen by all. You don’t defend love, it defends itself.

Just a little food for thought. Instead of taking your precious time to convince others how happy you are and well your relationship is, disconnect from the social world and reconnect with the center of your world. Your husband (or wife of course).